new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
