The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Can Purell be used as lube?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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