Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
