Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
