I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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