threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
