i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
