You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
