Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
