hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
