I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
