I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
