Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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