his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
