it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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