just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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