dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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