Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
