My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
