Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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