i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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