Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
