YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
