Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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