I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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