i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Two words: blizzard sex
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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