Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
