Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
