So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
