my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
