She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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