I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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