proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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