i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
