We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
