She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
