And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
