how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
