There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
