worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
