God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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