i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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