Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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