can we get nightvision for the apartment?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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