he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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