A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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