and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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