Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
