The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
