Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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